mood bloated with a capital B

Transient. it makes me sick.

Gunardi came back from Germany for a one month holi so we had an unexpected mini class gathering today. The whole bunch of us went to Toni Romas to eat. It was great and i had a hell lot of food shoved down my belly. It's 1+ am now and i can still feel the meat and potatoes happily swimming in my gut. how to sleep like this?

on to a sadder note, ah pui died 3 days ago, and i still feel a bit lost. i am so attached to the animals i keep and ah pui really takes the cake. loved him to death, even though he was old, fat, and such a clumsy oaf of a hamster. He was old, even when rudy rescued him out of the pet shop. noone wanted him because he was the oldest and fattest of the lot. They used him as a test object when customers wanted to know if certain hamster toys could really fit a hamster in it. if ah pui could fit, every other hamsters surely could too. Still cant get it out of my head, the time when i found him dead. He was in his sleeping position looking so peaceful, and it was like a deja vu. When his fur started to turn grey and he moved visibly slowler and less alert, I had so many times found him sleeping soundly and had timidly poked him a bit while keeping my fingers crossed, just to see if he would wake. he always did, albeit sleepily with eyes half closed. But that day he stayed cold, and i just knew that he was gone. I hope there is a heaven for hamsters up there, so i can still have him as a pet when i go to heaven.

i have always had problems dealing with death. Maybe i am still in denial, or maybe i just have a greater capacity for bad news. In my mind, every single thought takes bloody long to get settled. But maybe the truth is that part of me just refused to believe. I have an invisible button that just wants to put everything on hold. When my auntie passed away, I was surprised at how calm i seemed to be. I teared and cried a little, but there was a void that refused to be filled. Even as i was staring at her face on the black and white photo, it just all didn't sink in. Now that i think about it, probably i was just hoping that it was a dream. some kind of a sick joke.

When i got the industrial attachment at brisbane i so badly wanted, somewhere along the chronological progression of events, i had thought to myself, that my auntie is gonna be so happy for me when she hears of it.

and then i remember.

Death is such a finality. It is so final that it is almost cruel. Death means that when you wake up tomorrow the one you wish to see would not be around anymore. not even the day after. and the week after. and the years after. Does that get to you?

Couples profess to love each other forever. But forever is such an overrated word. Do you really know what forever means? It is a darn long time.

As though there isn't enough morbidity in these couple of weeks, one of my dogs in bali died a week ago. I wasn't very close to him because he was an adopted pooch that my mum's friend could no longer take care of. But that day when ah pui died, i dreamt of him when i slept. I was sitting on the floor, and he came to my side and sat down. There was something very comforting about the routine, how he looked at me wanting to be stroked. And then i realised, that death disrupts my routine. They take me out of my comfort zone, and make me uncomfortable.

Life is so precious, and it is so transient. The magnitute of all these hit me too late. And it was only yesterday that i cried for all that is worth.

I took a look at the good ol' dictionary, and transient takes the following meaning:

1. staying only a short time: like the transient guests at a hotel. "
2. in mathematics, it is a function that tends to zero as the independent variable tends to infinity.

everything is transient. Life is. friendships are. love could be transient. everything that makes you happy could fall away even when you dont see it coming. transient is just a sick word, it is.



please, don't just stay for a short time. stay with me.



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in loving memory.