mood bored

The post you should ignore.

For once, i am going to succumb to conformity and blog about what ten thousand other undergraduates are probably blogging about. EXAMS.

I feel like someone evil just threw a big black cloak over my entire being and suddenly i find myself in a place where everything is dark. cannot move, cannot breathe, cannot think. Anyway, the reason why i am complaining about all these here is because it is the only place where i can. It is the only medium which will not throw me a scornful look or maybe half-accomodate me with an exasperated tone and in my heart i know they just want me to shut up.

I was telling kl that these days when i study i always get the urge to go jogging. it's true. haha. perhaps it is just the physical manifestation of how badly i want to run away. Every exams period i find myself contemplating about the reason of my existence in this institution, and maybe it gets forgotten when the holidays come. but every time the mugfest starts they always come back and bite me in the ass. hard.

Quite some time ago i read something jas wrote in her blog, and i could relate perfectly well to it. It is true that sometimes our minds trick us into believing that the path to happiness and true satisfaction is always through this rough and hard route of academics accomplishment, and all our lives we wait, and take comfort in what little delayed gratification we get at the end of the darn long road that never seems to cease winding while we were at it.

May this be the last winding road that i would ever have to take.

I was listening to John Mayer and as the soft strumming of the guitar reverberated through my earphones, i wondered, how nice it would be if whatever academic obligations i have now just magically vaporise into thin air. Of course, by law of mass transfer that is not possible, because no scientists have ever discovered the diffusion coefficient for academic obligations or the analytical tool to measure their concentrations.

I cannot stand it. I feel so mentally constipated and i want everything to end so bad, but everytime i want to open my mouth to pour out my grievances, or dial that number, or wanted to click that "send" button, i stopped and swallow back all my words. because i know that noone really wants to hear what i have to say. They are either experiencing the exact same thing, or are so taken in by the liberations in their own obligations that there is no room for empathy.

Sometimes i wish God can just send me an email, a snail mail, or a holler from up there, amplified ten thousand times over with a loudhailer. Because i'm so lost i just need a sign. Maybe something like..

"Dear Felicia, you should get off this computer now and start reading on Fourier number. It is going to come out for exams tomorrow. The graduate student is very pissed with you because he is waiting to use the computer. And by the way, I love you very much. Cheers."