mood sad


God of My Forever.

Today after service I went to catch The Willow Tree with keiko and mei. It was my first time watching a Picture House movie at Cathay. It was quite cool actually. It screens only those artsy fartsy foreign movie. The theatre is very small but looks somewhat more atas. You can't bring food and drinks in too.

There is this thing about artsy movies. They are always so intense and emotions-provoking. Full of pregnant pauses and faces that speak a thousand words. Every little gesture seemed to tell a million stories. Anyway, The Willow Tree was in Persian (with subtitles). It was about a professor who was blind ever since he was eight years old. He had a mother, a wife and a lovely kid and his house was like a little paradise in which he was always sheltered. But unhappy about his condition, feeling shortchanged by the world, he seeked God for compassion and went to Paris to get treatment. By some miraculous chances, he managed a corneal transplant and was finally able to see. But after that 37 years of darkness and the vacuum that it had created, instead of feeling thankful for the new lease of life, he couldn't help but resent his wasted youth. He had never known how to read proper alphabets, never before known how his wife looked like, and suddenly the world was a plethora of possibilities. You get the drift.

So you see, changes are not always good. They throw people off-balance. They make you confused.

Today during worship in service, I was overcome with a fleeting moment of sadness. Everyone is changing. Nothing is the same anymore. Why? Things I had hung my happiness upon, things I had trusted so wholeheartedly and without question, suddenly everything seemed so transient.

At that moment, we were singing, God of my forever, and forever I'm with you. And I got an epiphany. But at the same time, I felt so crappy. God always had to put me through the same things more than once, because I just never get it.

How do you take changes in your stride if people are making it so difficult? I have a life too, you know. I have my dreams. I have my hopes, my desires. And it makes me sad just thinking about them because the harder I grip, the faster they seem to be slipping away from my hands.

Labels: emo