mood calm


No more.

To your last post which I just read, I only have this to say. It's funny how you have so much insults to hurl now. Granted, those were written before you read the email. But that you had pages of abusive comments purposefully meant to cause hurt (explaining was beside the point), while knowing fully well that I was never in the light of things at that time, really leaves much to think about. Regardless of email or no email. Was I supposed to be in calm acceptance of a mere four-liner ultimatum? So it seems that apparently noone else has the right to be angry without being lambasted like a criminal.

So, NO. I do not appreciate being attacked left right and centre like a punching bag, not when it comes a couple of years too late. And NO. You had no business throwing your insults around, because things wouldn't even be what they were if they weren't so mishandled from the very beginning. I have things to say for every single accusation you have, but I guess now they don't matter anymore. And I will not bother with reciprocating your insults, because I will not stoop so low. So this is me responding to those name-callings.

Thanks for eventually bothering to clear things. If I could turn back time, there isn't a single thing I would have been able to change, because I still maintain that your feedback is way overdue. I am not sorry at all, and I am "very maturely" telling you now that I do not agree with what you think, because in retrospect, there were many occasions I can think of where things should have just been resolved there and then, or at least talked about. And all this would have been so damn unnecessary. I guess noone is to blame. Things just happened because probably that's how it's meant to be.

Yay, it is over now. I don't think I want to know anything more. Not now, not ever.



P/S: It's sarcasm. Not sacarsm :)

Labels: emo

mood confused


Disposable

It is funny, how to some people friendship is like playing a game on PSP. You ride on the highs and lows, and then you get bored because the characters get uninteresting, or you mess up, and to get rid of it you just hit Game Over. Just like that. When the least one can do is give a decent explanation and not just an effing sorry excuse.

You're right. Probably not worth fixing. Because I am not a floor mat for you to trample upon and leave crumbs of your growing pains.

Labels: emo

mood blah


Drag

I've been a bit depressed lately because there is a collective negative energy all around me that is getting to me just by sheer diffusion. I come home and see a stressed up sister mugging for A levels, I talk on the phone to a stressed up boyfriend churning out essays, rushing for submissions and making models, I go to work and again the air is thick with a general tired resignation over monotonous routine, unsympathetic bosses, troublesome experiments, and boring food.

Doesn't help that I'm already feeling rather crappy myself. And it is moments like these that I feel so drained and completely devoid of inspiration. It's really hard, this thing. At this rate I'm gonna start getting wrinkles and a saggy face soon. Is it this place? Or is it just me?

Damn it, maybe it's just the hormones.

Thank God, Jakarta tomorrow! Bubye.

Labels: emo

mood tired


Contemplation

Joy to the world! Tomorrow is Ffffriday! :) I don't know why I am so jaded and unmotivated lately. Maybe I am finding excuses again, but I suspect that it being the time of the month is partly to blame. I'm feeling lethargic, bloated, like i have an entire family of whales swimming around in my stomach, and honestly I just want to curl up in bed watching Grey's Anatomy (Season 5 is out! woot!) or listening to Radiohead until I fade into merciful oblivion. Please, would you just wake me up when it's 2009.

A while back, i striked off another book on my to-read list, thanks to suz for lending. To simplify things, this book is a biography about a woman in her thirties who basically messed up her life (divorce, depression), and then went off travelling for a year to Italy, India and Indonesia to find back herself.

I was attracted to this book solely because of the travelling bit. I was curious to know what kind of self-discovery thingymagy this woman claimed to have experienced, and how the whole thing worked. But halfway into it, I was thinking, boy, this woman really has lots of issues. I mean no offense, everyone has his/her own set of problem and as long as you are responsible for your own emotions, there is nothing wrong about it. But reading this woman's life just reminded me about everything I don't want to be, yet looks almost set to become. She is so incredibly self-absorbed to me. Yet sometimes I get really sick and tired of myself too for being like that. And to be really honest, I occasionally look into my head and it always dawned upon me that I could possibly be a prime candidate for depression and manic disorder. I am too much of a control freak perhaps. And maybe Rudy is right that I suffer from reverse hallucination. I can't see the good stuff that is in front of me. In every bunch of perfect-looking flowers I always manage to spot the worms. It eats me up that I struggle so much to change.

But well, like what Ed used to say, if admitting your problem is the first step of recovery then I pray to God that I am on my way already.


What shall I do this weekend? I think I shall bake some cupcakes :)

Labels: emo

mood dumb


Too many rocks in my head.

I have been way too distracted lately. So distracted in fact, that I have broken 2 conical flasks and 2 beakers since Monday. So much damages in the span of three days. What was I thinking?

I feel so incredibly stupid.

Labels: emo

mood bad


Gotta blame something for this.

You know what? I think this retarded feeling that I am experiencing right now, is what you actually call PMS. Wow! I never knew that I am actually capable of PMS-ing.

So the thing is, I am just feeling really crap now! Suddenly I feel acutely aware of things I am being shortchanged for, things I cannot control, my flaws, my unfulfilled wishes, and basically self esteem-destroying and insecurity-related stuff. And you know what's the best freaking thing of the whole damn thing? I can't even talk about it because theoretically speaking I AM NOT ALLOWED TO. Exclamation marks!!! I can't even rant on facebook walls because WHAT IF THEY SEE IT.

I am so frustrated I could cry. Yes right here at work while wearing my fancy schmancy lab coat.

For a marathon runner, sometimes the last kilometre is just the freaking hardest.

Labels: emo

mood blah


Another way of being, another way of knowing

I have been forced to somehow reconsider my options and ponder on the possibility that maybe I have been doing it all wrong. Perhaps I should bring some reconciliation within myself, re-consolidate and be firm about what I want, then I will be taken seriously, and you will walk a mile with me. Maybe I should wise up and acknowledge that perfection and idealism are overrated. Or maybe, I should do the hi's and bye's again, because when all else fails, we gotta get back to the basics.

It is sad, how little there is to turn to.

I picked up a couple of potatoes so a bowl of mash is in order. Tomorrow, the world will be a better place.

Labels: emo

mood vexed


J.. j.. jaded

I'm in a super crappy mood today. Maybe it's one of those days, when all the untied ends vengefully resurface, when things get too much, and there just isn't enough excitement in the air. When even words seem pretentious, yet silence seems too loud. My body feels like lead, I drag my feet around and my steps are heavy.

Oh simple things, where have you gone?

Everyone around me is talking about finding jobs. NOOOO leave me alone. I feel like a ten year old trapped in the body of an adult. Really, all I want to do is sit here and eat ice cream. The past few days, I've been contemplating my future, career path and whatnot, and I hit dead end all the time. So I asked Rudy jokingly, Can you quickly get rich, marry me, and then I can stay home and be a housewife? I promise I will cook and clean.

No really, in real life I am not so shallow. Just tired and very confused.

On a happier note, we went to watch PS: I love you yesterday. It was great! I give it 4.5/5 :)

Maybe I'm too much of a dreamer. One of the after effects of the movie includes the sudden desire to travel! to! IRELAND!! too nice.

Labels: emo, mumble jumbles

mood nostalgic


365 days

I can't believe that at this exact same time last year, I was sitting in a Qantas plane headed for Brisbane, feeling on top of the world.

It's funny how even after one whole year, it still aches.

Labels: aussie, emo

mood grateful


Two zero zero seven in retrospect.

In my first reference to year 2007 using past perfect tense, I would like to say, it had been a really awesome year.

The year started with me zipping off to Gold Coast to fulfill my industrial attachment. And what can I say? So thus, I spent the better half of the year living every day like a dream. It was nothing short of an escapade, the best thing that I saw in my life ever since A levels, and that alone, was enough to make 2007 so worth living.

I have travelled to places, gotten in touch with a side of my personality that never had had the chance to surface before. And in so doing, I discovered that sense of euphoria that entails, from jumping headfirst into the unknown. I got a thrill out of talking to strangers, meeting new people, doing and saying things without thinking, just to see where they would lead me.

I have backpacked to Sydney, bushwalked through the wilderness of Tasmania, immersed myself in the quaint and multi faceted city of Melbourne. And in those six months, I had seen the beauty of nature so mesmerizing, those which I previously could only see in postcards. Australia was a break I had so desperately wanted and God had so graciously given me. Only that it not manage to quieten my soul, only left it wanting for more.

I also made a new friend. One who turned out to be the crappiest, non-stereotypical caucasian, ever. An unlikely co-supervisor, a host, a housemate, a late night TV buddy, a shit spinner, and a dear friend, all rolled into one impossible combination. But yet, for the amazing time I had in Gold Coast, all credit goes to him. To Wayne, whose crappiness was like a breath of fresh air that bit by bit, unravelled the convoluted mess in my head.

But I digressed...

Mid this year, after a year of very intense contemplation, I finally decided not to do honours, only to have my plan thwarted inside out and upside down by divine intervention. It was not a bad thing, and even turned out to be a blessing. Despite not getting my top 3 choices for final year project, things have been coming up roses. This semester, for the only core module I had to take, I got an A for it. Amusingly, my first A for a core module, out of 5 academic semesters. But really, I couldn't have expected less. Things have been so easy with You around. I wish I had been more serious about it much earlier.

Early this year, my siblings started schooling in Singapore. And after coming back from Australia mid this year, it was also the first time I started staying with my family again, after ten years of being abroad alone. It had been very endearing. Pleasant, save for having to play mother to a curfew-breaking brother at the peak of puberty.

Also, I transferred to a new cell group, and joined a new ministry in church. It was a brand new start, it's been great to far, and I am looking forward to many exciting things to come.

This year was the third year of my relationship with Rudy. My first and hopefully my last :)

I also adopted a bunny from SPCA. She's very well, still alive, and FAT.

To conclude the year, I also had a backpacking trip to Mulu, Sarawak, with a friend whose friendship I have been privileged to earn. And that is also another reason why my 2007 was full of chaos, spontaneous trips, confusion and disorder, but also of inexpressible joy and fun. Thank you keiko, it was such a pleasure being your friend :)

I have climbed a mountain (sort of), swam in caves, and roughed it out in forests. If anything, year 2007 had made me realise my passion for travel, my unquenchable thirst for the unknown.

Year 2007 had been good to me. However, I realised that it was also this year that I changed the most. Outgrew certain things, acquired others. Perhaps a shift in perspectives, some rearrangement in priorities. A recent conversation with keiko have also made me discover that I am not a very nice person. I am harsh in judgement, and insensitive in demeanour. A tad cynical towards people, intolerant to many things, a little too unforgiving in giving chances.

Next year, I want to be a better person. I want to be a better girlfriend, a better daughter, a better sister, and a better friend. I want to embrace life with greater zeal, and love people with greater sincerity.

2007 was a splendid year. But I hope 2008 will be my best yet.

Happy new year to all :)




P/S: It was also in year 2007 that I discovered, epilator is the best thing invented by Man. Ever.

Labels: emo, mumble jumbles

mood downright miserable
listening to You're Beautiful by James Blunt


It's not you, it's me.

I am still halfway with my Sarawak trip post Part I, and every day eversince I came back I have been literally dragging myself everywhere and being an absolutely rotten company to everyone. Everyone except keiko, and whenever we hang out, all we could do was look at our retarded photos and talk about all the things we miss.

Rudy says I have to deal with it. It is not sustainable to come back for a week, feel miserable and then zips off again to some obscure corner of the globe. But it's hard dealing with it, because dealing with it is like forcing my mind to think that this intense longing is a figment of my imagination, that good memories are like a fly one can simply swat away.

Afer barely a week of observation, Wayne very casually mentioned that my mood is proportional to my distance away from Singapore. And it made me have an epiphany. Bingo, that's it.

I feel so helpless. I think I am going to explode.




Was I supposed to read between the lines?

Labels: emo, singapore

mood wistful


Can't Get Enough

As we miserably trudged back to Singapore this evening, keiko and I pondered upon a very peculiar thought. Only two weeks have passed ever since we embarked on the trip, and it feels like an ETERNITY has gone by. Pre-trip and post-trip are like a lifetime apart. If only we could live everyday with such intensity and blithe abandon, life would be so, very glorious.

It was such a golden nugget of enlightenment that we actually paused mid-stride for a dramatic hug. haha.

I really just want to sit here and replay everything in my head, savouring it all until everything else is a blur.


So very good. And then I will forget..

Labels: emo, travel

mood grouchy


More than a penny, me thinks.

That, that, and that, always shuts me up.

I feel like my mental and emotional capacity have almost hit rock bottom. Lets not go there, fel. Indifference, once attained, is frighteningly irreversible.

Sometimes, I get a glimpse of life from the eyes of old people. And for a split second, they are transparent. Their tired resignation and cynicism suddenly seems justified enough. Life and its people, they wear them out, mercilessly grating on and on from the inside until eventually what is left is just an empty shell. Then, when they talk, they are not actually talking. In another consciousness, they are actually sitting in their own mental air balloon, looking down and thinking Gee, get on with the program.


Lets go walk by the river
Lets not talk
Because silence
is loud enough

Labels: emo, mumble jumbles

mood blank


Chaos within the calm.

It's ironic. Nowadays when I attempt to write something, the only thing I could write about would be on how I have nothing to write. I can churn out fancy reasons along with oxymoronic justifications for my constant state of mental constipation, but beyond that, I never seem to get past hello.

My life seems a little too organised of late. Every hour and every minute ticks away with a certain predictability and routine. While there is a certain comfort to it, it is also incredibly UN-happening, not to mention superbly brain-draining. For the past one week I have had a ridiculously healthy lifestyle. Waking up at 630am and sleeping at 12. Been trundling to lab at an ungodly hour of 830 am everyday. How do I know that is insane? I always had to get the key from the office because noone is there yet. HANG ON. Whoa that sounds incredibly geeky. Do not be deceived.

Mornings are always full of action. Fridays are mad-rush galore. By afternoon I feel like I have circled half the world and back, and I need to sit somewhere quiet and drink margarita. By 10 pm, my body is literally starting to shut down. By midnight, I turn into a pumpkin.

This morning my sister was telling me, she knows exactly how to tell whether she will be late for school or not, because on normal days, she will pass by this particular woman at this particular junction, at this particular time. And when she gets to the mrt, a particular train would have just left, yadda yadda, and the gist is that, every minute is just so darn predictable. It is crazy. If you think about it, routine is quite a sick thing. It somehow reduces us into an automated being, of which time is the controller.

For me, one good thing about this rare routinity, is that it creates some sort of compartmentalisation for my thoughts. A gentle confinement which puts them on a leash, reminding them to shut up. While I still look at life with a certain kind of sardonic humour, this semi-contained contemplation at least allowed me to realise that if I strain my eyes a little, the grass on this side is actually quite green.

Everyday is surreal. And that's the way I like it.



Anyway, it is with great jubilation that I hereby annouce, THE WEEKEND IS HERE!!! The time for pillow tossing and guiltless alarm-snoozing. :)

Labels: emo, mumble jumbles

mood sad


God of My Forever.

Today after service I went to catch The Willow Tree with keiko and mei. It was my first time watching a Picture House movie at Cathay. It was quite cool actually. It screens only those artsy fartsy foreign movie. The theatre is very small but looks somewhat more atas. You can't bring food and drinks in too.

There is this thing about artsy movies. They are always so intense and emotions-provoking. Full of pregnant pauses and faces that speak a thousand words. Every little gesture seemed to tell a million stories. Anyway, The Willow Tree was in Persian (with subtitles). It was about a professor who was blind ever since he was eight years old. He had a mother, a wife and a lovely kid and his house was like a little paradise in which he was always sheltered. But unhappy about his condition, feeling shortchanged by the world, he seeked God for compassion and went to Paris to get treatment. By some miraculous chances, he managed a corneal transplant and was finally able to see. But after that 37 years of darkness and the vacuum that it had created, instead of feeling thankful for the new lease of life, he couldn't help but resent his wasted youth. He had never known how to read proper alphabets, never before known how his wife looked like, and suddenly the world was a plethora of possibilities. You get the drift.

So you see, changes are not always good. They throw people off-balance. They make you confused.

Today during worship in service, I was overcome with a fleeting moment of sadness. Everyone is changing. Nothing is the same anymore. Why? Things I had hung my happiness upon, things I had trusted so wholeheartedly and without question, suddenly everything seemed so transient.

At that moment, we were singing, God of my forever, and forever I'm with you. And I got an epiphany. But at the same time, I felt so crappy. God always had to put me through the same things more than once, because I just never get it.

How do you take changes in your stride if people are making it so difficult? I have a life too, you know. I have my dreams. I have my hopes, my desires. And it makes me sad just thinking about them because the harder I grip, the faster they seem to be slipping away from my hands.

Labels: emo

mood in gastric pain


Time Tricks

I had a darn long day today. We had a WHOLE day's worth of laboratory safety talks, complete with first aid lessons and CPR-on-dummy demonstrations. Had tuition straight after that. My day started at the ungodly hour of 8.30 am and it didn't end til 10 pm. Trundled through my front door only at 11 pm. I am SO knackered.

And I miss Rudy. I can't wait for this LDR to end (I mean the LD, not the R).

Life nowadays has been nothing short of crazy. Cramming tuitions in between school to make a living, stealing short getaways out of (and around) singapore, drowning frustrations with good food from across the state borders, taking odd jobs for that extra moolah (like putting my trusty but rusty Indonesian to good use by translating stock market documents), and then some.

Sometimes I wonder if I am biting off more than I can chew. But I don't care, because if a crazy life means I could feel more alive, I would take it up in a heartbeat.

And yet, amidst the rush hours, there were pockets of time when I could get lost in myself. Those were the moments that were fleeting but so precious. That 15-minute walk back home, that long bus ride to school. Today when I was on the crowded train, I was stoning away when Big Yellow Taxi burst out through my earphones. And I was *snap* virtually transported to another place and time. So random. So unplanned. It was as though someone pulled me by the collar, took me flying by the speed of light and then plonked me right smack in the middle of memory lane, somewhere not very far from here.

Today, it brought me to PFI, the company I was interning in last semester. It was that exact moment when I was standing beside line 3, standing over a cardbox tray and sticking sticky labels onto little pouches (I was always complaining about sticking labels onto pouches because they were so bloody mundane that my mind always went blank and my brain ceased to operate). And then Wayne came over, saw the blank look on my face, and knowing fully well the time warp zone that I was in, amusedly shouted "FELICIA, WHAT DAY IS IT!"

And then it brought me to my room (or should I say ex-room) in Crestridge Crescent. And I was stunned at how crystal clear the images were, right down to the furring on the carpet, the black spots at the base of my cupboard, and the slightly starchy feel of the comforter. The thin layer of dust on the fan that I never bothered to clean.

And then I was in the kitchen, opening the cupboard. I was looking through the collection of spices, looking at the stack of cookbooks. I could see everything. Even the creases on the spice labels, the long tear on the cover of a particularly thick cookbook. The white bottle of Homebrand salt, the black pepper grinder, the broken salt grinder. Then the fridge - the half grated Colby cheese on the egg tray, as well as the ubiquitous bits and pieces of chocolates at the fridge door.

It was so surreal, as though if I closed my eyes and reached out with my hands, I could actually touch them and feel them under my fingers. In that other consciousness, the me who was standing on that memory lane did a double take. But eventually found that they were indeed real as real can be. It was one of those moments when time really did stand still. Not the cliche kind, but the achingly pure and inexplicably tangible sort. That very essence of time, it stood perfectly still.

And then I thought maybe I'd give Wayne a ring. So we had a short chat. It was hilarious. But it was also strange. Like as though I never really left.

So as I sat in a corner of that stuffy little bus 168, cruising through the expressway, I found an odd sense of comfort, knowing that amidst this crazy life, my memories are exactly where I left them. Intact and beautifully whole.

Labels: emo, mumble jumbles

mood chillin'


Lazy Lunch

After all those food we ate, Keiko and I were supposed to go swimming this morning. But our plan was thwarted by the rain, reducing our exercise plan to a cabbaging session at home. Bleargh, I feel so unfit.

Since I had to settle lunch at home and I didn't feel like doing anything too tedious, I took out the bottle of gourmet sauce I lugged back from Gold Coast and whipped up something really quick (read: lazy).

It is funny how a bottle of sauce could induce so much nostalgia. I still remember the exact day when we ran production for this product. The day when we ran out of raw materials and I had to manually mince 6 kg of garlic until I nearly went insane. And Wayne was chopping 8 kg of onions beside me with so much intensity that in between all the tearing, I had the urge to take my mincer and knock him unconscious so we can just forget this whole production and have a day off because the QA supervisor has been assaulted.

Anyway, the Roast Vegetable pasta sauce was yum. Do give them a try if you are down under.

On another note, Rudy is taking part in a 48-hr design competition with a few friends at Geelong (some obscure town in Victoria). Insane. But sounds like fun! And the top prize is a trip to Venice. -DROOL-

Oh well, all in the name of good fun :)

Labels: emo, foooood

mood tired


Fatigue

I had such a long and impossibly boring day today. Went to school for some cell culture training and officially started on my honours project, after which I embarked on a ONE HOUR FORTY FIVE MINUTES journey to teach tuition. I spent most of the day sitting on the bus, standing in the train, doing a hell lot of walking (God bless the creator of ipod), and this and that.

And suddenly the day was gone. *poof*

24 hours lost into the abyss of nothingness.

But my point is, I am puzzled. It is the holidays. So why is it that I still have a thousand and one things to do? WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? I have got so many bloody things to collect from every corner of singapore, hamsters to return (dont ask), people to meet, chores to do, errands to run, and hooray for being the oldest in the family because then I also have to periodically clean up after everyone else's mess. It is easy to show care. The difficult part, is saying I dont care.

And at this very second, my boyfriend is on his way to Mt. Buller for a skiing day trip.

So tell me, why do I feel so shitty? Talk about getting the bad end of the stick. Thank God I have the Malacca trip two weeks from now to look forward to. But at this rate, I tell you I am gonna be needing holiday therapy every single month. And a pot of chamomile every freaking day. So pray tell, despite my resolution to move on, do you think it is entirely my fault that I find myself still hopelessly missing those days in Australia?

And you know what? By virtue of the fact that I am living in Singapore, I think I am entitled every right to whinge.


URGH!


Ok finished whinging. Gonna watch Amelie now.

Labels: emo

mood porcelain


Oh look, some colour.

It is a mad house in here. For the past few days ever since I landed in this stinky little island I had been busy figuring out stupid things like How the hell to walk to the train station from here? and Where on earth am I supposed to store all my stuff in this stuffy little hole?

Spent the last few days buying and re-arranging furnitures and also went for a round of major grocery shopping. Managed to squeeze in a 16-lap swim in between too. Yayness.

As I was walking down the aisles of the supermarket, I found myself in a sad predicament where a part of myself was trying to juxtapose the present with the past, trying to make believe that the place was really not NTUC, but Woolworth, or maybe Coles. Like a salmon in a river, I was pushing my big trolley against throngs of overzealous housewives, navigating my way like I was in a maze, when I felt a pang of physical and mental claustrophobia and instantly felt like crap. And as though to seek solace from reality, I found myself shopping with total abandon, clinging onto traces of Australia I thought I could bring back with me in a plastic bag. I thought maybe that would lessen the dull ache a little. I ended up with a trolley chockers with so much junk. A big tub of yoghurt, Moccona, Weetbix, a giant tin of Milo I know I cannot finish, and whatnot.

A part of me was still wishing that I was elsewhere - Crestridge Crescent, Toorak, all sorts of backpacker hostels. Anywhere but here. A part of me was wishing that at that very moment I was breathing the chilly winter air, sitting on a bench at constitution dock eating half a dozen fresh oysters or feeling the wind blowing in my face. Anything but this.

But nowadays I will my mind into thinking about nothing. I try to create some sort of vacuum in my head so that perhaps everything will lighten up and soon I will see myself starting to move along together with the rest of the world instead of being stuck in this standstill moment I know isn't going anywhere.

So it's time to practice what I preach and get the engine running. Because I bloody CANNOT stand people who cannot move on and have their bums nailed to the past.

So! moving along, look what I got myself!

Labels: emo, mumble jumbles

Monday, 25/06/2007


mood crappy

Closure

As I'm typing this, I am a few hundred feet above the Indian Ocean. The roaring engine of the plane is drowning the cheesy tunes of Ben Lee reverberating through my ipod, and through the little oval of transparent plastic on my right, a bed of fluffy white clouds beneath me is all I see. I am confined to my tiny economy class seat, legs jammed together and elbows clamped to my side while all around me everyone else is lost in their own little world. It is during moments such as this, that I want to just close my eyes, imagine myself floating on a random cloud, and just forget everything.

In 3 hours I will be touching down in Singapore, and the reality of it is mentally knocking me out. I spent the past (and last) 3 days in Gold Coast somewhat in a daze, not knowing what to feel and how to act. Deep down I knew that it is time to go home, but a part of me just refused to acknowledge the fact that now that the time has finally come, the only right thing to do is really to let go.

Wayne dropped me off at the train station this morning on his way to work. I woke up early, and even though somewhat delirious from lack of sleep, I managed to pack up the last remaining bits and pieces of my life, give them a final shove into the suitcase and prepared myself to leave. But every little thing I did, right down to the mundane routine of opening the cupboard and turning off the tap, seemed to trigger off some sort of intense emotion. A knowing that every small routine act I had somewhat taken for granted in the past was going to be the last. The last morning shower, the last breakfast, the last flop on the couch, the last glance out the window, and the last walk down the hall. I felt absolutely crappy.

As the car started moving, with every house that we drove past and left behind, the feeling only intensified, and before I knew it, my face had grown hot and my visions were starting to blur.

In the train station as I waited for the train, I was a total wreck and a complete mess, all covered with tears and snot. I must have made quite a scene because an old lady who had seated herself opposite me actually tried to make some semblance of a conversation. Except that she was speaking with a mixture of curiosity and definitive tone that I wasn’t sure if she was asking me a question or making a statement. “You are sad. I can see that you are crying.” Then she made a crying motion and continued by saying, “You are going home?” And her two companions chipped in by throwing me a sympathetic look.

It cost me every fibre of my being just to will myself to stop crying. But it just wasn't happening. I was tearing all the way to the airport, and all the way to the boarding gate. Even when the plane started to gain momentum and I watched the ground going further from beneath me and the houses looking progressively smaller until they finally disappeared out of sight, I was digging deep into the abyss of my memories and replaying them one by one until I felt faint. Trying to savour every moment and imprint them into the deepest corner of my mind so that I would not forget. I felt like my head was going to explode.

Everyone loves an escapade, and noone likes going back to reality. The bills to pay, the assignments to finish, and parents breathing down your neck and piling responsibilities onto your back. But what can I say? The past 6 months have been a dream. It had been above and beyond what I asked for, and I cannot possibly feel more blessed that God has granted me the opportunity to write this beautiful chapter in my life. In the words of Green Day, I have had the time of my life. And like how the cliche saying goes, be thankful for the memories.

So that, is what I will do.




Time Of Your Life by Green Day

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

I hope you had the time of your life.

Labels: aussie, emo